I got this email from a friend and just thought it was too funny. Most of this is sooooo true:
Dear Non-Pregnant Person, I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.
1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response is rude.
2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby".
3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in #2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.
4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.
5) Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!".
6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.
7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.
8) Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor and delivery. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.
9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.
10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.
Yes people I'm still pregnant. This has been the longest month EVER!!! I've made it almost the whole nine months with everything being pretty easy. These last few weeks have started to get pretty miserable. I'm swollen from retaining water and the heat, its been 99-100 degrees everyday. I'm itchy from this rash called PUPPPS. Only pregnant women get it and they don't really know what causes it or how to get rid of it. I've tried every possible anti-itch cream, lotion and potion and nothing has worked. The only thing that gives me some relief is ice packs. So now, not only is Mike dealing with my 8 pillows in bed, but he is also sleeping next to Frosty the Snowman!!
I've set up camp inside the house and am refusing to leave it until either Ella decides its time to make her grand entrance into this world or the temp drops below 90. I've been running around here in my night gown because its loose, cool and doesn't irritate my itching. If you happen to stop by, don't be surprised to see me in my beautiful MuMu!!
I have to say that the last nine months has been pretty easy. I've had my husband by my side the whole time and I couldn't ask for any better. I've heard and read stories about husbands that are oblivious to the fact that their wives are pregnant. He has pampered me and spoiled me a little bit and I want to thank him.
Thank you for all the late night ice cream trips (I'm going to miss Fritzes). Thank you for enduring the realllllllly slooooooow talkkkkkker at the childbirth class (giggles and all). Thank you for putting up with my hormonal days (yes, I really am crying at a car commercial). Thank you for getting my iron, fish, prenatal, tums, sudafed pills on a daily basis. Thank you for getting up at 4am to get me an ice pack for my itchy belly. Thank you for rubbing my feet almost every night, even though I know how much you hate that yucky lotion feeling on your hands. Thank you for putting up with my needing to be in bed by 10pm, even on Weekends. Thank you for gaining the necessary husband pregnancy weight along with me, I don't feel so alone in the thought of losing all this weight in a few weeks. Thank you for understanding when my feet are swollen beyond recognition and you run into the store for me. Thank you for always scoping out the parking lots to make sure there are not better parking spots than the one you are about to park in. (even though I know you hate doing this)
I'm sure there are plenty more thank you's in the future, this is just a start.