Thursday, February 24, 2005

Losing touch

How does it happen? One minute you are friends with someone and the next you haven't spoken to them in 5 years. It becomes physically impossible to lift up the phone and call them. Trust me, I've tried. I get to the phone and there is this magnetic force that prevents me from picking up the phone. The little voice in my head takes over and says, try tomorrow, not a big deal. Or, you sit down to type an email to them and your fingers become paralyzed, unable to type a single word.

I was married before Mike, to a wonderful man named Gary. We were only married for a short time, as he was killed in a plane accident. He was a pilot and loved what he did. He used to say that one day, when he got old, he wanted to buried in the cockpit of a airplane. He was Canadian and his entire family is there. This didn't give me much chance to get to know them very well. I tried to stay in touch after the accident but for me I tend to push these kinds of things to the back of mind. I don't like to deal with things, so as far as grieving goes, there wasn't much. I promised to stay in touch with them and for awhile I did but it got really hard. Everytime I would see them, I would be reminded of Gary. Everytime I would email or talk on the phone, I would be reminded of Gary. I wanted to forget that part of my life, (at the time) and get on with my life. I was 22 and this is not what I was supposed to be doing.

I kept putting it off and putting if off. I met a guy, my current husband, Mike. We dated for about 2 years and then he proposed. He knew my past and was willing to accept it. When he proposed, I knew in the back of my head I had to call Gary's parents and tell them, except my body physically would not let me. Mike finally convinced me to write a letter, which I did. They got the letter called the house and we talked. Everything was fine, they came to our wedding and we talked some more. I was so glad to have gotten over that hump. Almost 3 years later and I haven't spoken to them since the wedding. I feel awful about it but don't know what to do. Every once and awhile I get an email from Garys sister and I respond with limited conversation.

What am I so afraid of? I am a grown women and shouldn't have these feelings. I feel like a 5 year old that has done something bad and doesn't want to tell the parents. I know I haven't done anything wrong but I feel like it.

Posted by Hello

My Hubby and Me at the Winery Posted by Hello

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I love me a Cadbury Egg!!! Love this time of year!! Posted by Hello

Monday, February 21, 2005

working from home

As posted before, I've been sick for the past couple of months. Before that, I was working in my Husbands Chiropractic office doing it all. Lucky for me, he has found a way that I can log on to the office computer and do the work from the house.

I don't know how people do it. This is hard to do. I mean, I can get up, eat breakfast, sit down in my PJs and work. Thats the easy part, the hard part is staying focused enough to do the work for more than 10 minutes. I have to keep telling myself that I'm at work, I have to get this done. I'm starting to think that I'm more of an office person. My brain gets too easily distracted with the TV, whats in the fridge, do I need to do laundry, or maybe I'm missing something good on the internet. Like right now, I should be doing insurance billing, instead I'm writing in my blog complaining that I should be working! How silly is that!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

House Bound

It has been a long time since I posted. Since the 1st of Jan I have been sick. Fighting off just about everything you can think of. I think my stress level finally hit its peak and caused my immune system to collapse.

Can I just say that daytime television is about as boring as being forced to stare at a wall for 8 hours a day. I have resorted to the really bad stuff, Full House, Boy meets world, Days of our Lives. These soaps that are on are totally funny. I watch them for the comedy. I mean really, how can one person die, come back to life, get kidnapped and taken to an island, fall in love with another man, have a baby, age 10 years and then come back to their home and everyone acts like its no big deal. This all happens over the course of 2 weeks. Its amazing to watch.

I have learned lots of trivia watching Jeopardy, how to lose weight, talk to my kids, dress for less and generally revamp my life by watching Oprah. I'm fully aware of everything going on in the St. Louis area from watching the news 4 times a day (9am, 11am, 5pm and 9pm) and Show me St. Louis. I have learned how to make everything from Italian to Mexican, how to throw the best parties, how to decorate cheap and shop at flea markets, thanks to the food network and HGTV. I have learned that too many people don't know who the father of their childrenare, are overweight, have cheated on their spouses from watching Maury, Dr. Phil and Jane Pauley.

Their is nothing on the TV during the day. I am tired of being in this flipping house, I feel like its a jail.

Okay, enough whining for now, I have to get ready for Oprah