How does it happen? One minute you are friends with someone and the next you haven't spoken to them in 5 years. It becomes physically impossible to lift up the phone and call them. Trust me, I've tried. I get to the phone and there is this magnetic force that prevents me from picking up the phone. The little voice in my head takes over and says, try tomorrow, not a big deal. Or, you sit down to type an email to them and your fingers become paralyzed, unable to type a single word.
I was married before Mike, to a wonderful man named Gary. We were only married for a short time, as he was killed in a plane accident. He was a pilot and loved what he did. He used to say that one day, when he got old, he wanted to buried in the cockpit of a airplane. He was Canadian and his entire family is there. This didn't give me much chance to get to know them very well. I tried to stay in touch after the accident but for me I tend to push these kinds of things to the back of mind. I don't like to deal with things, so as far as grieving goes, there wasn't much. I promised to stay in touch with them and for awhile I did but it got really hard. Everytime I would see them, I would be reminded of Gary. Everytime I would email or talk on the phone, I would be reminded of Gary. I wanted to forget that part of my life, (at the time) and get on with my life. I was 22 and this is not what I was supposed to be doing.
I kept putting it off and putting if off. I met a guy, my current husband, Mike. We dated for about 2 years and then he proposed. He knew my past and was willing to accept it. When he proposed, I knew in the back of my head I had to call Gary's parents and tell them, except my body physically would not let me. Mike finally convinced me to write a letter, which I did. They got the letter called the house and we talked. Everything was fine, they came to our wedding and we talked some more. I was so glad to have gotten over that hump. Almost 3 years later and I haven't spoken to them since the wedding. I feel awful about it but don't know what to do. Every once and awhile I get an email from Garys sister and I respond with limited conversation.
What am I so afraid of? I am a grown women and shouldn't have these feelings. I feel like a 5 year old that has done something bad and doesn't want to tell the parents. I know I haven't done anything wrong but I feel like it.
The Things We've Handed Down
3 weeks ago